Misery
by xignorancex
Summary: And I don't need to look up to see that Logan is no longer in the doorway, that he's probably running outside to get the other two guys. And that one of them is gonna try to wrestle the razor away from me while the other calls 911.


Most days aren't all thst bad. I can breeze through morning classes, sing my heart out a vocal lessons, text hot girls all day, throw my back out at dance rehersals and writes love songs that don't sound like the crap Gustavo manages create (seriously, his last song was 'Girls Who Smile') I can do that all without a problem.  
But today isn't ne of those days. It's the day where you wake up and know it's gonna be...harsh. I get yelled at for daydreaming in class, reliving that painful, painful day, I sound like crap in vocal lessons and fall on my a$s in dance rehersals over and over again. And when they ask 'are you okay?' I just nod my head yes and pray that they can't see behind the mask i wear everyday. But a small part of me,that barely exists, wishes somebody would notice. _He_ would notice.

And that's why I'm here now. Locked in the bathroom, curled up and sitting on the toilet, just watching everybody out by the pool. Of course I'm not out there. I can't be cause i know what'll happen if I am. But I shake that horrible horrible memory out of my head and pretend it doesn't exist. When I lok back out the window Logan is doing a cannn ball off the high dive. He splashed Jennifer #3 from head to toe. She threw her milkshake at him. Carlos walked up to a group of girls wh pinched his cheeks, giggled and walked away. With his head down he turned arund and walked towards the ice cream bar where Kendall was.  
Kendall. There he was talking to a redhead his favorite. He leaned forward, put his hand on her arm, whispered something in her ear and pulled out his iPhone. She rolled her eyes but took the phone anyway and began typing. No doubt her number. When she was done he raised his arm and reached out for the phone. Hockey has been good to Kendall. It's amazing his muscles didn't rip through the shirt. That shirt.  
he was wearing it that day. It was a faded Rolling Stones concert T. I forced myself to look away. I hugged my knees to my chest tighter and tried to stop the memory that was playing in the back of my mind. But it was no use. It was like the thought caught fire in my brain...

-Flashback-  
I swam around the empty pool waiting for Kendall to arrive. _'Where the hell was he_? I texted him almost 30 minutes ago!' I sighed a nervous wreck. Tonight was the night, I was finally gonna tell Kendall. I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath. _'Maybe i should have planned this_.' I thought. This morning I didn't plan on telling him. Fuck I didn't even plan on telling him and hour ago. But he had texted me a little while ago asking where everybody was. It was only common sense to write "pool party. girls. bikinis. get here NOW." and so he had texted again "im already there" I shook my head and dove back underwater.

Part of me couldn't wait till Kendall gets here so I could put the misery of the past few months to an end. But another part of me, the bigger and better part knew that I should swim to the other end of the pool, get out, run behind the ice crea bar and hide. But no. This can't go on any longer,_ I'm pretty sure that Logan_-'

"James?" I open my eyes and there he was standing above the pool shirtless in his favorite blue and white swim trunks with a towel swung over his shoulder. "Did everybody leave? What the hell? It was only 15 minutes ago!" He sounded annoyed.  
"Actually it was a half hour ago, but it doesn' matter. There was no party"

"Why-" I cut him off. "I only said that cause I needed to talk to you. I have a problem..." Concern crosses over his face.

"What? Is that pool boy calling you a fag again?"

"No. Well..." I sighed. "That's not what Im talking about. I don't remember how or even doing it but I climbed out of the pool, stood in front of Kendall, cupped his face and I... I kissed him. I. Kissed. Him. And it was better than when Gustavo told us we were going to Hollywood, better than when the recoed execs gave us the greenlight for recording our first album. Even better than when we performed our first sold out concert. But then he pulled away, and by the wide-eye expression I knew I'd made a horrible mistake.

"Whoa." He said taking a step back. "I'm not- we can't..." He held his hands up and closed his eyes. It stayed like that for what felt like an eternity and pretty soon the silence began to pound in my ears.

"Kendall..." He opened his mouth to say something but closed it instead. So I took another chance. I wrapped my hands around his wrists and pulled him closer. Well tried. He yanked his arms back, a little harder than he needed to, pulling me with him. "James. Stop"  
There was a sound in his voice I couldn't quite place-maybe dissapointment and disgust? And his eyes didn't look happy and excited like they had three minutes ago. They looked so cold harsh and serious.  
-End Flashback-

No matter how hard I tried I could never quite block out the painful few minutes that follow.

"But i-" I started.

"You what James? What?" he challenged, suddenly angry. He probably didn't think I would say it. But I did. And that's what ended it all.

Those three sentences cut through me like the razor blade I held to my skin almost every night to anger: Look I don't love you ...or any other concern: Your my best friend. I care about you. Just not the way you care about me. And finally confusion: Why would you even think that we could ever be?

I'm not stupid. I knew how that night was going to end. I always knew, in the back of my mind. But I did it for a reason. I had to end the... misery of the past few months. I just culdn't take it. I guess it's true that a person goes a little crazy when they can't have the one they love. That's why I'm here nw. I snapped.

I don't know how or when but sometime during the flashback I got up, got the razor blade and took my seat on the toilet, like I did so many times before. With hot tears runnig down my face and sobs stuck in my throat, I pulled back my shorts and stared at my legs. From mid-thigh and up my legs were scarred from all the pain and secrets I kept to myself for months. Once I found a clear spot, I placed the razor on my leg and began to carve KENDALL+JAMES in capitol letters.

K,E,N and the tears fall off of my face and onto my legs

D,A,L,L, the tears and blood mix.

+, and the world around me is already better.

J, and the door opens.

It's Logan, strawberry-banana smoothie covering his head and shoulders. He doesn't move or take the razor away. He doesn't say stop or anything else, his mouth just hangs there in a shocked little 'o' shape.

So I ignore him and finish what I started. By now my leg is a bloody, burning mess. I don't care. And I don't need to look up to see that Logan is no longer in the doorway, that he's probably running outside to get the other two guys. And that one of them is gonna try to wrestle the razor away from me while the other calls 911.  
It won't even matter, because in a few minutes, it'll all fade away.


End file.
